


four times a day for survival

by Heartythrills



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Yamaguchi minimally appears, more of a conversation with Tsukishima’s internal conflicts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 20:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heartythrills/pseuds/Heartythrills
Summary: Tsukishima just confirmed his appointment for cuddling service. How did it lead up to this? Tsukishima can’t remember. Rather, he is trying not to remember.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 1
Kudos: 46





	four times a day for survival

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not dead....just not creative. I'm been in a writing block for KuroTsuki for almost 3 years -__-;;

> We need four hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.

-Virginia Satir

* * *

Tsukishima Kei is troubled.

“Too late for a full refund?”

Very deeply troubled.

“When is it?” Tsukishima quirks his eyebrow at the response. “In two hours?” A deep sigh. “I understand. I’ll keep it.”

Tsukishima just confirmed his appointment for cuddling service. Ah, how did it lead up to this? Tsukishima can’t remember. Rather, he is trying not to remember.

It must have been last Friday. The day he finished his report. Ahh, Tsukishima really doesn’t want to think about that day again. Just the thought pisses him off.

Tsukishima was sitting in the hot bath after a long, stressful day of work staring blankly at the wall, thinking Brontosaurus wasn’t doing the trick anymore. The interval between needing to do things to lift his stress was getting shorter and shorter. And today was it. Brontosaurus wasn’t giving him what he needed.

But, what did he need? Tsukishima didn’t know. Maybe a drink. It was Friday after all. He still had a bottle left in the fridge.

It must have been that drink, Tsukishima now pinpoints. Right after the alcohol kicked in. He was lying in bed, browsing aimlessly. He read something that piqued his curiosity. The average human need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and twelve hugs a day for growth. He couldn’t count how often his family hugged him, namely his older brother. If Tsukishima were to think about it, his height must have been nurtured by Akiteru (Tsukishima was drunk, he was not in his right mind when he came to this conclusion). After elementary, he kept quite a distance from people. His eyebrow twitched at the video a co-worker sent him. Yamaguchi was making his rounds hugging friends at the bar. He was drunk. If Tsukishima had decided to go, he would have gotten his share quite easily too. It wouldn’t have been out of place. He could have blamed the alcohol, the atmosphere. He laughed at how awkward it would be if he had just soberly hugged Yamaguchi. Though, honestly, even if he was drinking, anyone really would freak out if he hugged them.

Tsukishima set his phone down. He felt a little sad. It wasn’t a drink that he needed. He tightened his hold on his Brontosaurus. Maybe that statement about hugging was true. If it was true, how would he go about getting hug? Forget about a hug, he hadn’t even felt human contact for so long. As Tsukishima tried to recollect any ounce of human touch since he started working, his thoughts strayed to adhere to a sliver of a conversation he once heard at a gathering a couple years back. It wasn’t even a conversation. It was a sliver of hope, because all he remembered was Cuddling Therapy.

Tsukishima Kei doesn’t remember anything beyond that point, but he must have, out of desperation, contacted someone for service. So now, he is forced to keep the appointment due to less than 24 hours-notice for cancellation. If it was just refund of service, he would be fine with it. However, the session includes a rental space arrangement prepaid for the Pro and Tsukishima will be responsible for the full rental cost as well. He might as well get his session done and over with at a lesser cost. Besides, he wants to know if human contact is actually the cause of his setback recently. And quite frankly, this cuddling pro is attractive. If not for such a service, Tsukishima can’t even imagine getting a partner like this.

“You must be Tsukishima Kei?” The man is wearing a sweater and joggers, but Tsukishima can make the contours of his slim, yet built figure. His jet black jagged hair covers one eye. A soft smile resting on his face.

“Yes,” Tsukishima confirms, “and you are Kuroo Tetsurou?”

“Nice to meet you,” Kuroo greets. “Please come in.”

Tsukishima follows Kuroo to the living room, which is dimly lit. The blinds are closed and scented candles lit. The mood he set is nice and comfortable, almost as though he was here for a massage instead.

“Tsukishima,” Kuroo calls to him. He’s sitting on the couch with a throw blanket. He pats the space next to him, “Come sit here.”

Tsukishima obliges silently, sitting next to Kuroo. Feeling the black hair man’s body heat against him makes him stiffen, even though the service today is for cuddling and nothing beyond that. He can feel his heart racing, not sure if it’s from anxiety or excitement, as he waits for the contact between Kuroo and him.

“How was your day?” Kuroo asks. Tsukishima can tell Kuroo is looking at him, but he can’t help but keep his eye on his hands resting on his knees instead.

“Not too bad.” Tsukishima can feel his shoulders tense up when Kuroo wraps the blanket around him.

“You can relax a bit,” Kuroo tells him. “You don’t have to keep your guard up.” He leans closer to Tsukishima, their shoulders bumping. “You probably don’t remember, but you were crying on the phone,” he says and strokes Tsukishima’s head. “You’ve done a great job up until now,” he continues, “You really did your best on that report.”

That report. That damned report that he worked three consecutive days for, cutting his hours of sleep for research. That damned report that was his manager’s project for the past month but was assigned to him a week before it was due. After all he put into it, it wasn’t even looked at. What was the point of that damned report besides shedding light on how little his efforts meant to the company? How, even if it wasn’t done on time, it wouldn’t have mattered. That damned report.

“It wasn’t a waste of effort on your part. There was much that you learned.”

Kuroo’s words weave with the warmth of his touch and permeates through Tsukishima. He knows what’s coming. He can hear the clinking of the shackles in his heart. The shackles told him he was an adult and he was strong, was tough. They told him the things he goes through is nothing compared to other things out there, the real real world out there—as though his world was not real enough. They told him to suck it up and bite his tongue. They told him not to feel, not to love, not to hate, not to cry. They told him no, no, no.

“You should feel proud.”

The emotions that were shackled down deep in the depths of Tsukishima’s heart, now welled up in him. Slowly, gradually, they squirm out, wriggling free to climb up against the walls of his heart, reaching, grabbing, and pulling at the echoes of Kuroo’s beckoning.

He really did his best. Tsukishima Kei did.

The tears fell. Drop by drop, Tsukishima watch them fall on back of his hands until he can’t see anything anymore.

Tsukishima’s hands that were curled into fists in front of him, that were always there every night after rough days just strangling thin air now found something more than Brontosaurus can ever offer. He found someone.

Kuroo pulls Tsukishima to him, stroking his back as he listens to the sobs in the silent room. When Tsukishima calmed down, it has already been half an hour. Kuroo continues to hold him without saying anything.

The silence gives Tsukishima time to think. But he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t need to. He is tired.

“Thank you for today,” Tsukishima says as he bids Kuroo good-bye.

“You’re welcome.”

As Tsukishima drives home, he thinks about the relief of crying in front of a stranger, of embracing a stranger. They didn’t need to carry it with them because they don’t know each other. The situation doesn’t shift their perspective of Tsukishima because they don’t know each other. He doesn’t need to feel awkward because it doesn’t affect them. He was a client, and Kuroo was providing a service. It was comfortable. He was protecting his own vulnerability, while at the same time, finding a space to set them free. It brings peace to Tsukishima thinking about it.

For researching purposes, Tsukishima started keeping a log of his emotional state. After his session with Kuroo, Tsukishima has been able to let the emotions surrounding the report go. On rough days, he resorts to Brontosaurus as he has previously done. It does bring him a sense of loneliness, however, having had a taste of human cuddling. Tsukishima doesn’t want to resort to cuddling service at every chance he gets since it will cost a lot of money and he will build a resistance to it. He may even get addicted. So he thinks about his session with Kuroo every now and then, and the comfort of it. Sometimes, four times a day for survival.

Tsukishima told himself he will only reach out for service as a reward. When he absolutely, absolutely cannot move forward anymore.

As though the gods heard that secret arrangement Tsukishima made with himself, each week seems to be worse than the previous. Work load and management demands take up too much of Tsukishima Kei’s life, and he falls into the same trap of shackling his emotions over and over again. This is how work is, I can handle it, I’m the only one who can do it, this is temporary, management is always like this, once this project is over.

But it doesn’t end.

“It never ends,” Yamaguchi sighs at the table. “I need a girlfriend.”

“Won’t relationships just add more stress?” Tsukishima asks and takes the drink from the bartender. “It’ll be like walking from one hell to another.”

Yamaguchi wags his index finger in front of Tsukishima and shakes his head. “That’s not true.” As though he knows some secret Tsukishima isn’t aware of, the freckled man crosses his arms proudly. “A relationship not only takes your stress away because you now have someone to share the burden with you,” he shrugs, “you also have other priorities beside work.”

Tsukishima grins. “I’ll watch and learn from you then.”

A pout from Yamaguchi, then they both laugh. Yamaguchi works in a separate department from Tsukishima with a bigger staff. That’s not to say he doesn’t get to the same level of stress as Tsukishima. Yamaguchi is honest to himself and open to everyone around him. He doesn’t put his guard up the same way Tsukishima does. It’s a personality thing and Tsukishima has shot himself in the foot with the image he built for himself.

“Hey, you made it!” Yamaguchi hollers upon seeing a co-worker. He stands from his seat to hug her. Tsukishima’s finger twitches around his cup, but he only smiles and waves. He wonders if he can undo the image that he has made for himself.

“Girlfriend, huh.” Tsukishima utters to himself as Yamaguchi and the acquaintance disappear into the crowd. In his case it would be a boyfriend. Kuroo flashes in his mind. “Someone like him would be nice.”

Tsukishima remembers that some cuddling service can actually be treated more like dates. There are even free services. He must have picked the professional one since it was going to be his first time. He wonders if Kuroo is strictly a pro with service fee only.

“Mind if I sit here?”

Tsukishima is pulled from his thoughts to focus on the person asking him. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Kuroo…”

“How have you been, Tsukishima?”

“Not too bad…”

“Then why do you look like that?” Kuroo’s face softens as he lifts his hand to Tsukishima’s face. “Why are you crying Tsukishima Kei?”

Because he didn’t expect to see Kuroo? Because work continues to be tough? Because he is so overwhelmed? Because his emotions are all over the place? Because he simply can't look like this to anyone else?

“I don’t know.”

Tsukishima is in Kuroo’s embrace once again. There is so much comfort, so much relief. He cannot stop the tears from falling again.

“I’m sure you’ve been working hard,” Kuroo says, patting Tsukishima. “Why don’t we step out for a bit?”

Feeling Tsukishima nod, Kuroo takes Tsukishima’s hand and guides him out of the bar to Kuroo’s car. He opens the door to the back seat and gestures for Tsukishima to go in.

Once he closed the door, Kuroo beckons Tsukishima to him. Tsukishima place his head against his chest, relaxing his shoulders as Kuroo wraps his arm around him. It is relaxing to listen to Kuroo’s heartbeat and having him stroke his hair.

“I think I should get a partner,” Tsukishima whispers after a while, breaking the silence. “Yamaguchi says it’ll help take the stress away.”

“It may,” Kuroo replies.

Tsukishima slides his hand over the back of Kuroo’s, watching the man respond by turning his palm up and interlocking their fingers. It feels nice.

“I’m not sure I can get one.”

“Hm…” Kuroo hums. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know why?”

Tsukishima takes his hand away from Kuroo’s and pulls away from the embrace. He looks at Kuroo, studies him, the way he’s resting against the window and rear cushion, the way he sits to allow Tsukishima to cuddle comfortably with him, the way he’s just waiting there patiently.

“I don’t know how…” Tsukishima kept his eyes down as he lets his hand wander up Kuroo’s chest, imagining himself coming to this everyday. “But if it’ll be something like this,” he closes the distance between him and Kuroo, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling against his neck, “I want one.”

Tsukishima wants someone he can go home to everyday and cuddle with. In silence, in laughter, in comfort, in love. He chuckles at the thought. It’s the first time he’s thinking about love. It’s the first time he’s allowing himself to think about love. He sighs as Kuroo tugs him tightly against him, savoring the sensation, lamenting the eventual end.

“Tsukishima?”

“Hm?”

“Your friend is looking for you.”

Tsukishima pulls away from Kuroo and sees Yamaguchi outside. He is definitely panicking. Tsukishima seems to have left his phone in the bar.

“Thank you again,” Tsukishima tells Kuroo when he got out of the car. “Do I owe you anything today?”

“Today is just time spent with a stranger I met at a bar.” Kuroo’s smile is enticing. Tsukishima knows it’s not intentional. He also knows Kuroo may be only be nice because Tsukishima was his client and can still be a prospective client. Yet, he chooses to fall. And deeply, he wants to fall. It’s okay to blame the alcohol.

For the first time, Tsukishima looks at Kuroo, holding his steady gaze. He’s the first person Tsukishima has had eye contact with in a very long time. It feels invasive, but at the same time, liberating. _Read me_ , he invites, _for I will not say anything to you_. “I’m glad to hear that,” he returns a smile and let his lashes sweep down to momentarily hide his intention before dipping his head to kiss Kuroo, one deep enough to convey its meaning, long enough to know the other party wants to respond, but short enough to end it all before it could happen. “I would be breaking the rules otherwise.”

Tsukishima Kei takes a few steps away from Kuroo without ever breaking eye contact, a beaming grin on his face as he savors image of Kuroo Tetsurou’s flustered expression, hoping to etch it in his mind for as long as he lived since this may be the last time he can look at this man.

“Tsukki! Where did you go?” Yamaguchi is out of breath as he runs to Tsukishima.

“Looking for a boyfriend,” Tsukishima says and hugs his friend. It feels comfortable to be able to hold a dear friend in his arms. It was a relief to be able to share his feelings to his dear friend. “I was looking for a boyfriend, Yamaguchi.” It was a relief to finally be vulnerable in the arms of his dear friend.

Yamaguchi is nodding as he strokes Tsukishima’s head, “That’s okay, it’s okay.”

He's right. It’s okay.

Everything is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short piece about listening to your own needs and helping yourself before helping others. I think we all went through rough times in 2020, if not years before that. However, the restrictions of the pandemic has truly highlighted some of the worst parts of human nature, but also the most vulnerable that we tend to forget. Human contact was something we all missed during the course of 2020, some even now, and I believe that was why human nature was showing their worst parts during the hardest times for us.
> 
> Please do not push yourself when it's too much. Please be kind to yourself by allowing your emotions to wander free, be expressive, convey your thoughts. If you keep it in, it just builds up until you break. Once you break, you'll break everything else. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be mad, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to fall in love. It's okay. It's really all okay. Even if someone tells you it's not okay, someone else will tell you it's okay. You can go to that someone else. Please go to that someone else. 
> 
> I hope my message was conveyed.
> 
> *Cuddling Therapy is a thing. It's offered in the US and Japan. I am not too sure if anywhere else have that service. I have not used it before, however, I have researched into it after hearing about it.
> 
> Please share me your thoughts. I haven't written in a while, especially for KuroTsuki so it may be a bit rough around the edges. I may continue one day to clarify the end.


End file.
